WHY I BROKE UP WITH MY LUBE!
Some real talk about lube is long overdue, don’t you think? I’m not talking about an oil change hear people. That other kind of lube that you own….. That crusty, dusty, dark, dingy, sticky and shameful tube stuffed at the back of your nightstand drawer. You know the one? The one with the congealed plug in the top of the lid from that last time you used it when, when….well woefully, you can’t really remember the last time that you used it. That stuff has me feeling altogether “ick,” and so very far from randy. KY Jelly just isn’t my jam. And I Sili “Can’t even” with silicon based lubes. Its my vajean, not a non-stick frying pan!
The thing of it is, I’m an adult now and I was ready for a more sophisticated lube option in my life. Sometimes I found myself pondering “what would Oprah use on her Vajayjay?” Here I was each week, nearly passing out in a hot yoga class. Destroying my white porcelain bathroom with activated charcoal products. Eating dry sheets of seaweed while trying to tell myself that the crunch is almost reminiscent of a Ruffles sour cream and Bacon chip. Why this madness? I make these sacrifices because, after all, my body is a temple and if I want to grow old and eventually make it to my MILF and then GILF era, I need to treat it as such. So when it comes to my “honey pot” why would I want to slather that……whatever THAT is on myself? It looks and feels like some goop I used to give myself retrospectively regrettable hair styles in the 90’s. A serious Dippity “Don’t”. That cold and slimy texture has me reminiscent of hospital gowns, stir-ups and a metal “duck beak”. Conventional lube is an artificial “Tutti Frutti” flavouring away from being downright clinical. The OBGYN is not an experience I am in any rush to revisit, thanks. I have left my Bubble-Gum Lip Smackers and crunchy hair tendrils of old mercifully and deliberately in the past. My taste has evolved and refined since those days and so has my choice of beauty products and eating habits along side that change. Except for this one last area.
The options out there for lubes are simply not the types of products that I usually buy or want to support. Full of chemicals and unpronounceable words. These chemicals can be toxic to vaginal tissues and its microbiome. They can also lead to irritation, discomfort and an increased risk of STI! Exposure to these chemicals over time can even increase your risk of getting the big “C”, when what you were really after was the big “D”. The reason for some of these ingredients is to extend the shelf-life of the lube and keeping it from separating and going moldy. While I thank science for that grace period, I don’t need think I need to have a lube that has the same shelf-life as a Twinkie. I mean, call me a romantic dreamer, but I WAS going to get around to finishing off that bottle this decade. When looking for better options I was not impressed. Frankly the selection has made me a little miffed for my “muff”. It is certainly no way to treat “General McSexy” either. I decided to take matters into my “own hands” when I had a “stroke” of genius and Behold, Nectar Love Butter was born!
What is Nectar Love Butter my friends? It is an all-natural, edible, vegan, chocolate, aphrodisiac infused fricken’ delight! Made with simple, familiar, quality ingredients like cacao butter and coconut oil and rose petals. Something you can feel good about putting in your “Pink Palace” and can proudly apply to any “Bald Headed Sailor” who is invited to your shores. The smell is like a scrumptious truffle waffle (that’s not even a thing but I want it!) and the taste is like manna from heaven. And the glide?! Oh my word, the glide. Honey’s…. listen, this stuff is the GLIDER PROVIDER! This glide is Valhalla. This glide is Shangri-La. This glide is Electric Boogaloo. This glide inspired Jon Bon Jovi to write the song “Slippery when Wet (this statement has not been third-party verified).” This glide is a warm pad of butter on a hot and soft bun fresh out of the oven. Did it just get hotter in here? Now I want buns…and Jon Bon. I digress. But I slip you not, this stuff is Ahhhh, wait for it, Mazing!
This Love Butter is not just for sexy times either. After some “hands-on” training with this miracle product, I realized that “Her Highness” loves to be moisturized and touched everyday, just like our faces. It got me thinking about how strange it is that there is a special kind of care and cream for nearly every part of the body but virtually nothing for my “Furry Mongoose” nor any thought or care for “Richard and the Twins”. This is where we decided to go even a step further and infuse the recipe with a blend of carefully selected herbs and oils like shea butter, damiana, vitamin E., and calendula. Ingredients that have been used throughout the ages for their proven aphrodisiac and/or healing properties. A product product that you can feel really good about using to anoint your “Alter of Love”. We hope that you will take this as an invitation to incorporate Nectar Love Butter into a self-care ritual of loving intention towards your lovely lady garden, that deserves to be moisturized, just like the rest of your skin.
There are other ways that Nectar Love Butter is different from traditional lubes. It has oils and herbs that will start to expire after about a year. So GET ON IT PEOPLE! Hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Also, it has no emulsifiers and by order of the court, the word “congealed” is not allowed within 100 yards of Nectar Love Butter. However, this means that it can change due to temperature differences. Its harder at colder temperatures and requires warming up inside your “Hot Pocket”. In a warmer place it may already be liquid by the time it converges with your “Hidden Valley”. Nectar Love Butter stays a spreadable butter-like texture at room temperature and melts away to liquid upon meeting the skin. Keep in mind, that if you are swinging with it from the chandeliers, you are going to want to keep the lid on. Because it is an oil-based product, using Nectar Love Butter with latex condoms is an ABSOLUTE NO-NO! Oils degrade latex material causing it to tear and break shockingingly fast. There are some great you-tube videos demonstrating this if you don’t believe me.
With those important fact stated, I will end by saying that nine out of ten “Doctor Feelgoods (this statement has not been third-party verified),” agree that nothing beats the buttery texture and ever-lasting glide of Nectar Love Butter. Try it and if its not for you, at least you know your other lube will still be waiting there for you. Right where you left it. The perfect product for the doomsday prepper in you. Likely to stay unspoiled until the end of time. Even if you were the last man or woman on earth. If, like me, you are ready for a more sophisticated experience, go on and give Nectar Love Butter a try. It’s the motion lotion that you, me, The Blue Veined Aristocrat, your Velvet Underground, Russel the One-Eyed Wonder Muscle, your Handwarmer, Rumpleforeskin, your Sideways Smile, your Jurassic Pork, your Vulvarine and your Tallywhacker deserve.
-Lovingly created by a Proud 🇨🇦🦫